


Bound by Tubular Desire

by sadboatboy



Category: GreedFall (Video Game)
Genre: End of game spoilers, Parody, Spoilers, kind of spoilers, not really spoilers, pasta monster
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-28
Updated: 2019-10-28
Packaged: 2021-01-06 01:13:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21218099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadboatboy/pseuds/sadboatboy
Summary: End of Greedfall spoilers.. kind of.De Sardet is injured on the way to the confrontation with Constantin and cannot continue. Luckily Vasco has a plan which could save the island and Constantin, however, there is a huge price to pay for victory.





	Bound by Tubular Desire

De Sardet clutched his sides as he dropped to his knees on the path to En On Mil Frichtimen, and the location of his dear cousin who was threatening the destruction of the whole island.  
“Greenblood! Are you alright!?” Kurt, his trusty companion rushed to De Sardet’s side.  
“It’s just a scratch.” He replied as blood pooled on the ground beside him.  
“A scratch my arse.” The Coin Guard retorted, helping the legate to rest against a boulder.  
“De Sardet!”  
The rest of the crew finished off a group of tenlan that were pursuing them before joining De Sardet’s and Kurt.  
“It appears to be a deep cut.” Aphra stated assessing De Sardet’s condition. “Continuing in your current state would be unwise.”  
“But we must!” De Sardet insisted, his voice edging on panic. “For Constantin’s sake.”  
Vasco knelt down beside his partner. “My tempest, you must stay here, we can’t risk loosing you- I can’t risk loosing you.” He cupped the legates face in his hands as the two locked eyes and understanding flooded into De Sardet’s.  
“Okay… but you must promise to save my cousin” De Sardet spoke, his voice cracking as he was overcome with emotion.  
Vasco looked down, brows furrowing with thought.  
“Siora, the ritual we saw at Cergganaw is how islanders bond themselves and become Nadaig, correct?” Asked Vasco  
“Yes” She replied “But it’s still a very complex ritual and it can take a long time for on ol menawei to transform, why?”  
Vasco pulled a dagger from it’s sheath, gripping the hilt with his left hand.  
“What are you doing!?” Siora seemed incredibly confused, her voice echoing the expressions of the rest of group. “A renaigse cannot bond to Tir Fradi!”  
“Who says I’m bonding to Tir Fradi?” Vasco grinned.  
He reached deep into the inner pocket of his overcoat and whipped out a large pristine bowl of pasta.  
“How long has that been in there!?” De Sardet asked both confused and impressed at the perfect condition of the bowl of pasta.  
“Since we arrived on the island.”  
“That was four months ago…”  
Without further delay, Vasco cut into his hand before dunking it into the tubular goodness. Almost immediately he started to transform, like some deranged magical girl but less anime and more like a disaster in an Italian restaurant. Long carbohydrate stands wove their way around the sailor, forming an gigantic, muscular ravioli coloured creature. His long spaghetti hair waved in the wind.  
“By The Enlightened, he’s turned into a Nadaig Spaghettmen!” Petrus proclaimed with shock.  
“I’ve never seen a transformation quiet like that.” Gasped Siora  
“Bloody hell Vasco!” Yelled Kurt.  
“Still pretty hot” Admitted the still injured De Sardet.  
The now Tagliatelle wrapped Vasco marched his spaghetti ass towards En On Mil Frichtimen.  
Constantin was in the middle of an argument with the giant tree god about why he should be god of the island and not a tree when Vasco came stomping toward him. Constantin turned bewildered.  
“What the flying fuck is this!” Constantin spluttered before being ensnared by noddle-y tendrils. The Nadaig under the crazed governors control was immobilised by the sweet scent of fresh pasta.  
“Let me go!” Yelled Constantin “I’m allergic to pasta!”  
“No you’re not, you ate it on my ship” Thundered Vasco, his hot, pesto scented breath filling the air.  
“Vasco!?” Constantin was highly confused, just as I am writing this. “Since when did you turn into a giant pasta creature???”  
“Since you turned in a little piss drinking ham licker that thought he was a god.”  
“I am a god”  
“You’re no god! You’re just a very naughty boy.”  
“And with that, Vasco dragged Constantin back to De Sardet” Began Sir de Courcillon’s narration. “Peace was restored to the island and Constantin was sentenced to cooking pasta for the rest of his life. Vasco, however, paid the ultimate price for this victory as he was stuck as a Nadaig. He said he didn’t mind, which was true until he tried to captain his ship but it sunk under his weight and he cried tomato sauce, flooding the city of San Matheus but no one cares about the Theologians so it’s fine. The end.”


End file.
